So many things that could be said.... So many things that won't.
Posted 11 May 2019 - 04:58 PM
The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $120.00".
The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $165.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $120.00?"
"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $120.00, but the duck call is $30.00, and the catfish stink bait is $15.50."
- Francie, OnaBogeyTrain, Sprtan52 and 2 others like this
Posted 11 June 2019 - 11:32 AM
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. - Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's the group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
- Turfers Paradise, RobNewy, Sprtan52 and 2 others like this
Posted 17 June 2019 - 09:03 AM
I asked my mate what's E.T. short for.
He replied "because he's got little legs"
- iRON MiCK likes this
Posted 18 June 2019 - 01:55 AM
A Chinese guy comes into the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung Fu, Ju-Jitsu or Karate?"
He said, "Why da *** you ask me dat, it it coz I Chinese?"
"No" I said, "It's because you're drinking my ******* beer!!"
- iRON MiCK, Sprtan52, Birdie Blitz and 2 others like this
Posted 22 June 2019 - 05:33 AM
I saw a midget carrying a plasma. I went over to him and said, "Hey do you need help with that plasma?"
He said, "**** off ya prick.....It's an Ipad."
- OnaBogeyTrain and Tochakka like this
Posted 09 September 2019 - 09:38 AM
I laugh. And when I retell it others laugh too.
- Turfers Paradise likes this
18.0 by Dec 2019 - 2.0 to go
2017 VIC ISG OOM "The Goldy" Overall Tour Championship Winner*
2017 VIC OOM #5 Gardiners Run Overall Winner
"Team Grank" founding member
Posted 30 September 2019 - 11:18 AM
How do you figure out the sex of ants?
Put them in water. If it sinks, it's girl ant. If it floats, it's boy ant.
Posted 30 September 2019 - 11:19 AM
Sometimes I wonder, “why is that frisbee getting bigger?” Then it hits me.
- Birdie Blitz and Dellavedova777 like this
Posted 27 October 2019 - 10:22 AM
Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You believe wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $2,500. Formal suit rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $20 for a three-pack.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough in the wardrobe.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
· A man has six items in his bathroom:
toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument, unless it is ....... "yes dear".
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, take out the bins, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
· Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
(i) A married man can forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing for that long.
(ii) A man will look up his wife's horoscope to see how his day might turn out.
Olinda Golf Club
Warragul Country Club
People say that nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
West Gippsland Veterans Champion 2017 & 2018
Olinda Golf Club B Grade champion 2018
Warragul Country Club C Grade champion 2019
Posted 31 October 2019 - 08:05 AM
A man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs. Three women walked past and felt sorry for him. The first said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
He said, " No."
So she gave him a hug nd walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
He said, "No"
She kissed him and walked on.
The third woman said, "Have you ever been terrible?"
He said, "No"...as his eyes lit up.
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."
- Dellavedova777 likes this
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