Jump to content


 

Photo

jokes


  • Please log in to reply
1951 replies to this topic

#1876 Francie

Francie

    Inaugural Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 37239 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 18 August 2018 - 08:25 AM

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bike, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the basket.    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bike, the bottle would break.   So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

 

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.


  • BarnEsy05, OldBogey, Bluethunda and 4 others like this
  • Inaugural winner "Castlemaine" Vic ISG golf day 2009
  • Inaugural Victorian OOM Putting Champion - Long Island 2011
  • Inaugural ISG National Golf Champion - Queensland September 2012
  • Inaugural winner Casey Rotary Golf Day 2012 - Part of the 'Dream Team'
  • Hole In One - 7th Hole Portsea GC - 9/10/2012
  • Long drive "champion" - Stinks 3 club challenge - 22/9/2013
  • Shipwreck Coast Classic - B Grade Men Winner (Warrnambool) - 9/11/2013
  • Inaugural holder - ISG TBPNTHWAOOM trophy - 2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 18th at St. Andrews Beach - 1/9/2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 3rd at Long Reef GC (NSW) - 18/9/2018
  • Eagle - Par 5 - 8th at Cape Schanck GC - 18/3/2019
  • Holder - Brass yacht trophy - 2015
  • Player of the Year (VPGC) - 2015
  • Winner - ISG Tombstone event - Lang Lang - 4/9/2016
  • Half of 4BBB Champion team with Commish - 2016 National Event
  • Half of winning finalist - Doubles Match-play team (VPGC) - 2016
  • Team member - Winners of Australian ...... Matchplay Championship - 18/11/2016
  • Veterans Champion (VPGC) - 2016
  • Best stroke score OTS - 77 - Gardiners Run GC - 11/11/2018
  • Captains Trophy winner (VPGC) - 2018
  •  
  • "If a foursome is pressing you, wave them through - and then speed up." - Deane Beman
  • http://www.golflink....k_No=3013311351<p>
  • Lowest ever handicap - 7.5

#1877 OldBogey

OldBogey

    Defining and analysing humour is a pastime of humourless people

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 24960 posts
  • LocationRegional Victoria

Posted 21 August 2018 - 10:24 PM

 This could happen at really any Club in a country town.                     

 

>http://www.youtube.com/embed/r0kIj_PIpaI


  • Tochakka likes this
Golflink
Olinda Golf Club
Warragul Country Club
People say that nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
West Gippsland Veterans Champion 2017 & 2018
Olinda Golf Club B Grade champion 2018

#1878 OldBogey

OldBogey

    Defining and analysing humour is a pastime of humourless people

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 24960 posts
  • LocationRegional Victoria

Posted 21 August 2018 - 10:25 PM

Bible Story.

After checking into the hotel, Father Willy O’Reilly finds a Bible on the bed-side table. 

He reads it for a couple of hours and then leaves his room and wanders into the lobby. 

There he strikes up a conversation with the pretty young receptionist.

After she has finished work, they share a few drinks in the bar and then retire to Father O’Reilly's room, but when the priest starts removing her clothes, she begins to have second thoughts. 

"Are you sure this is alright?” she asks ”I mean, you are a priest.”

“Don’t worry, my dear,” he replies, ”it is written in the Bible.”


She believes him and the two of them spend a very pleasant night together. 

But in the morning, as the girl is preparing to leave, she says, ”You know, Father, I don’t remember that part in the Bible you mentioned last night. 

Could you show it to me?”


So the priest takes the Bible from the bed-side table, opens the cover and points to the bottom of the title page, where someone has written in pencil, '

 

 

The girl in reception is a good root!'


  • ftg_lefty, Bluethunda, RobNewy and 3 others like this
Golflink
Olinda Golf Club
Warragul Country Club
People say that nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
West Gippsland Veterans Champion 2017 & 2018
Olinda Golf Club B Grade champion 2018

#1879 OldBogey

OldBogey

    Defining and analysing humour is a pastime of humourless people

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 24960 posts
  • LocationRegional Victoria

Posted 23 August 2018 - 10:08 PM

Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."


  • ftg_lefty, Bluethunda, El Barto and 2 others like this
Golflink
Olinda Golf Club
Warragul Country Club
People say that nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
West Gippsland Veterans Champion 2017 & 2018
Olinda Golf Club B Grade champion 2018

#1880 Sprtan52

Sprtan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 166 posts
  • LocationSth East Melbourne

Posted 24 August 2018 - 09:00 AM

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got one hundred in school today!

Mom: That’s great. What in?

Stevie: A 60 in Reading and a 45 in Maths.


  • Bluethunda, RobNewy, El Barto and 1 other like this

#1881 Sprtan52

Sprtan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 166 posts
  • LocationSth East Melbourne

Posted 24 August 2018 - 09:04 AM

Goldy: Why did the M&M go to school?

GPJ: ...Tell me.

Goldy: Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!


  • Forrest Gardener likes this

#1882 Francie

Francie

    Inaugural Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 37239 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 24 August 2018 - 11:00 AM

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.   As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: 

 

COLD BEER : $5.00

HAMBURGER : $10.00

CHEESEBURGER : $15.50 

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50

HAND JOB : $250.00

 

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.  She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

 

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile.  "May I help you sir?" 

 

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

 

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."

 

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger."


  • BarnEsy05, Bluethunda, iRON MiCK and 5 others like this
  • Inaugural winner "Castlemaine" Vic ISG golf day 2009
  • Inaugural Victorian OOM Putting Champion - Long Island 2011
  • Inaugural ISG National Golf Champion - Queensland September 2012
  • Inaugural winner Casey Rotary Golf Day 2012 - Part of the 'Dream Team'
  • Hole In One - 7th Hole Portsea GC - 9/10/2012
  • Long drive "champion" - Stinks 3 club challenge - 22/9/2013
  • Shipwreck Coast Classic - B Grade Men Winner (Warrnambool) - 9/11/2013
  • Inaugural holder - ISG TBPNTHWAOOM trophy - 2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 18th at St. Andrews Beach - 1/9/2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 3rd at Long Reef GC (NSW) - 18/9/2018
  • Eagle - Par 5 - 8th at Cape Schanck GC - 18/3/2019
  • Holder - Brass yacht trophy - 2015
  • Player of the Year (VPGC) - 2015
  • Winner - ISG Tombstone event - Lang Lang - 4/9/2016
  • Half of 4BBB Champion team with Commish - 2016 National Event
  • Half of winning finalist - Doubles Match-play team (VPGC) - 2016
  • Team member - Winners of Australian ...... Matchplay Championship - 18/11/2016
  • Veterans Champion (VPGC) - 2016
  • Best stroke score OTS - 77 - Gardiners Run GC - 11/11/2018
  • Captains Trophy winner (VPGC) - 2018
  •  
  • "If a foursome is pressing you, wave them through - and then speed up." - Deane Beman
  • http://www.golflink....k_No=3013311351<p>
  • Lowest ever handicap - 7.5

#1883 Sprtan52

Sprtan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 166 posts
  • LocationSth East Melbourne

Posted 05 September 2018 - 10:30 AM

Nothing tops a plain pizza



#1884 Francie

Francie

    Inaugural Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 37239 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 06 September 2018 - 03:45 AM

My Doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness.

 

I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."


  • Forrest Gardener likes this
  • Inaugural winner "Castlemaine" Vic ISG golf day 2009
  • Inaugural Victorian OOM Putting Champion - Long Island 2011
  • Inaugural ISG National Golf Champion - Queensland September 2012
  • Inaugural winner Casey Rotary Golf Day 2012 - Part of the 'Dream Team'
  • Hole In One - 7th Hole Portsea GC - 9/10/2012
  • Long drive "champion" - Stinks 3 club challenge - 22/9/2013
  • Shipwreck Coast Classic - B Grade Men Winner (Warrnambool) - 9/11/2013
  • Inaugural holder - ISG TBPNTHWAOOM trophy - 2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 18th at St. Andrews Beach - 1/9/2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 3rd at Long Reef GC (NSW) - 18/9/2018
  • Eagle - Par 5 - 8th at Cape Schanck GC - 18/3/2019
  • Holder - Brass yacht trophy - 2015
  • Player of the Year (VPGC) - 2015
  • Winner - ISG Tombstone event - Lang Lang - 4/9/2016
  • Half of 4BBB Champion team with Commish - 2016 National Event
  • Half of winning finalist - Doubles Match-play team (VPGC) - 2016
  • Team member - Winners of Australian ...... Matchplay Championship - 18/11/2016
  • Veterans Champion (VPGC) - 2016
  • Best stroke score OTS - 77 - Gardiners Run GC - 11/11/2018
  • Captains Trophy winner (VPGC) - 2018
  •  
  • "If a foursome is pressing you, wave them through - and then speed up." - Deane Beman
  • http://www.golflink....k_No=3013311351<p>
  • Lowest ever handicap - 7.5

#1885 Sprtan52

Sprtan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 166 posts
  • LocationSth East Melbourne

Posted 10 September 2018 - 04:11 PM

Mick turns to his boss and says ' We really should stop testing our products on animals! '

 

The boss looked over at him and replied ' Why?, shampoo manufacturers do it all the time... '

 

Mick ' Yeah, but we make hammers... '


  • RobNewy, Francie, El Barto and 2 others like this

#1886 Francie

Francie

    Inaugural Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 37239 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 12 September 2018 - 07:04 PM

Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

 

Because they always punch up the fuckline


  • iRON MiCK, El Barto, The B T and 4 others like this
  • Inaugural winner "Castlemaine" Vic ISG golf day 2009
  • Inaugural Victorian OOM Putting Champion - Long Island 2011
  • Inaugural ISG National Golf Champion - Queensland September 2012
  • Inaugural winner Casey Rotary Golf Day 2012 - Part of the 'Dream Team'
  • Hole In One - 7th Hole Portsea GC - 9/10/2012
  • Long drive "champion" - Stinks 3 club challenge - 22/9/2013
  • Shipwreck Coast Classic - B Grade Men Winner (Warrnambool) - 9/11/2013
  • Inaugural holder - ISG TBPNTHWAOOM trophy - 2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 18th at St. Andrews Beach - 1/9/2015
  • Eagle - Par 4 - 3rd at Long Reef GC (NSW) - 18/9/2018
  • Eagle - Par 5 - 8th at Cape Schanck GC - 18/3/2019
  • Holder - Brass yacht trophy - 2015
  • Player of the Year (VPGC) - 2015
  • Winner - ISG Tombstone event - Lang Lang - 4/9/2016
  • Half of 4BBB Champion team with Commish - 2016 National Event
  • Half of winning finalist - Doubles Match-play team (VPGC) - 2016
  • Team member - Winners of Australian ...... Matchplay Championship - 18/11/2016
  • Veterans Champion (VPGC) - 2016
  • Best stroke score OTS - 77 - Gardiners Run GC - 11/11/2018
  • Captains Trophy winner (VPGC) - 2018
  •  
  • "If a foursome is pressing you, wave them through - and then speed up." - Deane Beman
  • http://www.golflink....k_No=3013311351<p>
  • Lowest ever handicap - 7.5

#1887 Sprtan52

Sprtan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 166 posts
  • LocationSth East Melbourne

Posted 21 September 2018 - 09:49 AM

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

 

To a Retail store


  • Forrest Gardener likes this

#1888 Sprtan52

Sprtan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 166 posts
  • LocationSth East Melbourne

Posted 21 September 2018 - 09:50 AM

What do you call a bee that was born in the United States?

 

A USB


  • Forrest Gardener likes this

#1889 The B T

The B T

    Non Caring or Playing Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1454 posts
  • LocationOuter circle

Posted 21 September 2018 - 11:18 AM

What do you call two blokes sitting on a Window Sill?  

 

Kurt & Rod


  • Weetbix and Forrest Gardener like this

“I will put my b***s in your mouth. And I will give you some money to make you feel good.”

 

Just Counting my money. “I don’t care about that match point—would you care if you were 23 and worth over $10 million?”

 

Nothing is my fault!

 

I'm Granking!

 

 
 


#1890 The B T

The B T

    Non Caring or Playing Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1454 posts
  • LocationOuter circle

Posted 21 September 2018 - 11:19 AM

My budgie broke his leg today, so I made him a splint out of a couple of matches.

 

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk


  • RobNewy, Sprtan52 and Forrest Gardener like this

“I will put my b***s in your mouth. And I will give you some money to make you feel good.”

 

Just Counting my money. “I don’t care about that match point—would you care if you were 23 and worth over $10 million?”

 

Nothing is my fault!

 

I'm Granking!

 

 
 





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users