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#1831 pegasus2357

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 08:45 AM

... The end of privacy coming soon??

 

 

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? 

 

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

 

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

 

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

 

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

 

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

 

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered

an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms

and meatballs on a thick crust.

 

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …

 

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,

sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

 

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

 

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

 

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

 

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. 

We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

 

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take

medication for my cholesterol.

 

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.

According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol

tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

 

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

 

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

 

CALLER: I paid in cash.

 

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

 

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

 

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an

undeclared income source, which is against the law.

 

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

 

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

 

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and

all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV,

where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

 

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

 


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VTTP 006

 

 

 


#1832 ftg_lefty

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 01:27 AM

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

 

......asking for a friend  :)


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Some days It's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

#1833 Bluethunda

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 04:49 AM

Attached File  0EF07122-67C7-464B-B786-EA0CFFAD61C7.png   459.52KB   0 downloads



Just an idea for Iron Micks birthday boys
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#1834 OldBogey

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 11:12 AM

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Then you're 3/4 of the way there.


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#1835 The B T

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 12:27 PM

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

 

......asking for a friend  :)

 

Then you're 3/4 of the way there.

Actually NO

.5x.5 = .25 (1/4)


“I will put my b***s in your mouth. And I will give you some money to make you feel good.”

 

Just Counting my money. “I don’t care about that match point—would you care if you were 23 and worth over $10 million?”

 

Nothing is my fault!

 

I'm Granking!

 

 
 


#1836 OldBogey

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 01:33 PM

Actually NO

.5x.5 = .25 (1/4)

 

Yes, 1/4 left.

He's 3/4 of the way there.

As I said.


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#1837 The B T

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 03:37 PM

Yes, 1/4 left.

He's 3/4 of the way there.

As I said.

no allowance for his current life age?


“I will put my b***s in your mouth. And I will give you some money to make you feel good.”

 

Just Counting my money. “I don’t care about that match point—would you care if you were 23 and worth over $10 million?”

 

Nothing is my fault!

 

I'm Granking!

 

 
 


#1838 OldBogey

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 06:40 PM

no allowance for his current life age?

irrelevant
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#1839 Bluethunda

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 07:14 PM

Attached File  55C5AEDA-0117-4BEA-9CFC-17C23373BAEB.png   476.99KB   0 downloads



BarNadsey
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#1840 ftg_lefty

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 01:25 AM

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

 

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


Some days It's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

#1841 Talart

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 12:54 PM

Australia Doesn't Exit And People Who Live There Are Actors Paid By NASA - Flat Earthers Claim

don't stand too close to the edge, some smart arse will test the theory and push you off.

 

http://www.thespacea...people-who.html


Hit the ball, find the ball, hit the ball...

#1842 ftg_lefty

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Posted 02 June 2018 - 01:21 AM

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind my asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been  frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."


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#1843 ftg_lefty

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 01:29 AM

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. 

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What's the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”

 

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

 


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Some days It's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

#1844 Birdie Blitz

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 10:33 AM

I heard that the inventor of fairy bread died.

 

There were 100's and 1000's at the funeral.


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#1845 ftg_lefty

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 03:27 PM

While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a
cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she
barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests
on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and
declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering
down her nose at this impudent upstart.


"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honor of addressing?" asked
Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in
the air.


"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"


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