The Rules of Life for Australian Men:
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be
legally killed and
eaten by his mates.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When she is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event,
you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.
12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you
kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better
his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of
she's withholding $ex pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
you are able to have $ex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese,
turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is
broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just
a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey $ex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.
27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for her
to drive yours.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than
Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 4 litres, 16 valves, and a
29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
orange or sky blue.
30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.
End of story