Topic: Todays Golf Joke

LOL

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

A fellow gets up before dawn on Sunday morning to play his weekly game of golf. He quietly gets out of bed so as not to wake up the wife, grabs his clubs and heads off. As he’s driving to the course he notices that some rain clouds are starting to gather. By the time he arrives at the course it’s raining heavily, and with all the lightening around, the mornings rounds have been cancelled. The fellow looks at his watch and seeing that it is still only 730am,figures that his beloved would still be in bed. He makes a hasty trip back home through the rain and as quietly as he can, slips into bed with his wife. She stirs a little as if to recognise his presence. He puts one arm around her and whispers into her ear “It’s absolutely pouring out there” Without moving she replies “I know, and my stupid husband is out playing golf in it”

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

v.good

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

two mates having a chat over a cold beer . First guy ” Hey what did you get for fathers day” His mate replys “oh the usual Pants, socks and a root” ............ all one size too big.

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

At dawn the telephone rings:

“Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire”

“What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!

“Yes Senor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

” WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod… She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”

SILENCE…................ LONG SILENCE…............

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep poo!! “

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.” So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?

“I’m a hit man,” was the reply.

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here ” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.” “Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her…... He’s naked, too!!!”

He turned to the hit man, “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.” “Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.

“Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…..”

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Commentator’s review of Jack Lemons swing at a golf Pro-am; “I’ve seen better swings in a condemned playground, it looks like he’s killing a chicken….”

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth on the curb. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you sir?” Yessh! Ssshhomebody sstole my carrrr,” the man replies.

The cop asks, ” Where was your car the last time you saw it? “It wasss on the end of thisssh here key” the man replies.

About the same time the cop looks down and sees the man’s willie hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, ” Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out…........”Holy shit…...........They stole my girlfriend too!!!!

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls”. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed, Perplexed

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Greg Norman, IBF, Jack Newton and Bob Shearer are all in their youth, doing the Von Nida Tour in outback Qld. To save money they share motel rooms as they compete for the pittance on offer.

One early morning before tee off Norman returns to the motel room from his morning workout and spots the other three in various stages of preparedness for their round.

At this point I should point out they'd been to the local the night before and all had a crack with the ladies. Only Shearer had "failed"...

Norman :"IBF, you are a machine. You never fail with the good looking ones. But do you have to do your hair every five minutes? We're teeing off soon and we don't give a stuff what you look like"

Norman again : "Haha, look at Bob". Shearer is hanging over the sink, clearing out the remnants of last night's 40th beer and his fish and chips. "Bob you had a big chance with that bird, but she gave up when you said you loved your beer head as much as the other type of head..."

They then look at Newton. Lying prostate on the floor, he's in a bit of pain, and he seems to be clutching where his arm had once been.

Norman "Gee Jack, surely she wasn't that ugly..."

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

A horse (of no particular personality, breed, colour or sex) walks into a bar, and teh barman says "Gee, that must have hurt!"

There is a better one than that...

A horse walks into a bar, to which the barman replies "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

ROFL

Edit: Damn it! Fishman Dan beat me to that joke on page 14...

Kind regards,

Ben (Ducky).

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

George, Mick and Fred are dwarfs. They're amongst the smallest on earth and have made their living out of performing in circus acts all their life.

One day they're sitting around having a cuppa, feeling a bit despondent after another mundane circus act where they've been thrown from pillar to post.

George says "Look at us. What have we done with our lives? We're in a two-bit circus act, never married, never earned enough to retire, never really done anything."

Mick : "It's depressing being treated like second class citizens, not being recognised for the hard work we do."

Fred: "Hang on boys, I think I might know how we can achieve international recognition, to be feted everywhere as being the best in the world."

Mick & George :"Oh yeah, how's that?"

Fred : "Well, have you heard of the Guinness Book of Records?"

Mick & George : "Yeah but what have we done to get in there?"

Fred : "Nothing we've done. It's what we've got! I've never seen any full-grown man with smaller hands than mine. And Mick, I've never seen any adult with smaller feet. And you George, well I think we may have found a use for that tiny old fella of yours! Surely nobody's has ever been smaller!"

Mick : "Ah yes, I can see it now. We'll be famous, and be able to make money from endorsing all sorts of small things. Our chance at last!"

George : "Ummm. Not so sure about this one guys"

Fred : "C'mon George, you'll be fine. Imagine the blue movie contracts you could get. The girls will love you - you'd be a fantastic contrast to what they normally have to do. You'll be in big demand from the producers."

So the lads are off to the Guinness Book of Records office. They arrive and are told to be seated in the waiting room whilst one by one they enter the measuring chamber to see if they in fact have the smallest hands, feet and old fella in the world.

Fred's first, and he emerges after five minutes in triumph, holding a certificate high above his head. "I've done it! I'll be forever famous. They told me they can get me interviews on TV and maybe a hand-modelling contract for products their clients want to make look bigger than they really are!"

Mick's next, and he too returns exultant, to the congratulations of his mates. "I'm going for an interview with the company that makes Lego. They're hopefully going to model their shoes on my foot shape".

Mick and Fred wait while George is being measured. Mick chuckles "He's got to get it for sure. I have to wear my bifocals to even see his old fella".

But ten minutes later a clearly distraught George emerges from the measuring chamber, and slumps on the seat beside them.

"George, what's the matter? Surely your new status will bring you all sorts of riches and fame."

"There's no new status. I'd didn't get it."

"What? Who on earth could have a smaller one than you."

"I don't know the guy but they said I should know him. Maybe you guys will...

Who on earth is Tiger Woods????"

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Guys this joke can be adjusted to suit your needs. Just replace Mr X with the name of the person at your club who has a counting problem.

The police get called to Mr X's house and find him standing on the front step with a 5 iron in his hand. The 5 iron is covered in blood.

They go into the kitchen and find Mr X's wife bludgeoned to death on the kitchen floor.

Copper says to Mr X, "How many times did you hit her with the 5 iron."

Mr X replies, "About 16 but can you put me down for 5"

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, Son, what happened last night? His son says, Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

Confused, Marty asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? His son replies, "Oh, that!

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, Lady leave me alone! I'm married!

Breakfast

$100.00

Broken furniture

PRICELESS

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 100 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend it on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife"

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex." :twisted:

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

your kids are older than mine .. . . my boy calls the birdie finger 'Tall man' 8)

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

.
Only problem was that she had used her pointer instead of index finger . . . :oops:  8O

I thought your 'pointer' was your index finger...
Your middle finger is, as my kids say, the 'Birdie or Rude Finger'

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

spectacular

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

reminds my of my mother in law who told the wife she'd been so angry with someone she had given them the finger, you know like this (showing wife) . . .
Only problem was that she had used her pointer instead of index finger . . . :oops: 8O

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Grandma's Letter

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting
there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

Now that was funny!

Li'l Johnny gets up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom. On the way back he notices mum and dads bedroom door is ajar. He stops and has a look in for a minute, and then mutters to himself "and they tell ME off for suckin me thumb!"

Topic: Todays Golf Joke

A 90 year old bloke trys to pick up an attractive young woman at a bar. Out of sympathy (and curiousity) she goes home with him. As they are about to climb into bed, the old man reaches into a drawer and pulls out a condom and some cotton wool. He pops the condom on and then shoves the cotton wool up his nose and in his ears.
Quite amazed, the young lass says "I can understand the condom, but why the cotton wool?"
The old man replies "If theres two things I can't stand it's the sound of women screaming and the smell of rubber burning rubber!"