Topic: a few funnies

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job.”

Murphy, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, “Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager, “Simple, on question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know’ and you put down, ‘Neither do I

Topic: a few funnies

To save money on funeral expenses, Alex Higgins is to be burried in his snooker cue case.

Topic: a few funnies

Trouble starting? :)

Topic: a few funnies

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: “and do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”

One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘why’?

The worker yelled back, “Cos his wife’s here with his lunch

Topic: a few funnies

Man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with 3 men. He says “hello, hello, hello ”. She replies “thats right, dont talk to me.”

Topic: a few funnies

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle on prices” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, just go and give it a try!”

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot ‘gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the ‘gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out

” SHIT …...... THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT TOO!”

Topic: a few funnies

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies,

“I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

“No, I’m your son’s teacher

Topic: a few funnies

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN…

Test 1
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months
remove 5% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the
contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to
help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for
the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overallbehaviour. Enjoy it. It
will be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feels:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of
tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms
hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don’t think that
you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining.
Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6
Get ready to go out
1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the
way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side 4.
Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least
5 years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains 2.
Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean
walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of someone shouting “Mummy” repeatedly. Important:
no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy – occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this
tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now
ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the
Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation
with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an
important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it 2. Stir
3.Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel 6. Do
not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids.

Topic: a few funnies

The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is…. being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery… and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life… Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Topic: a few funnies

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed…...........................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows….-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…................-2
You leave the toilet seat up…...............................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty….........+5
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
in the rain…................................................+8
but return with beer….......................................-1
and no panty liners…........................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night…..................+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something….......+5
You pummel it with a six iron…..............................+10
It’s her cat…...............................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party….......................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a school drinking buddy…...............................-2
Named Tiffany…..............................................-5
Tiffany is a dancer…........................................-10
With breast implants….......................................-20

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday…..................................+1
You buy a card and flowers….................................+2
You take her out to dinner….................................+5
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….......+10
Okay, it is a sports bar…...................................-10
And it’s all-you-can-eat night….............................-20
It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team…..............-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal…...............................................0
The pal is happily married….................................+1
The pal is single…..........................................-10
He drives a Ferrari…........................................-20
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)..................-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take ! her to a movie…..................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes…..........................+5
You take her to a movie you hate…...........................+8
You take her to a movie you like…...........................-5
It’s called Death Cop III…..................................-10
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans….....................-20
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…......-30

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly….........................-5
You develop a pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…........+10
You develop a pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…............................................-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”...............-100

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
You hesitate in responding….................................-10
You reply, “Where?”...........................................-35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your arse”.......................-100

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..............+1
You listen, for over 30 minutes…............................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…...+50
You have fallen asleep….....................................-200

And here’s the clincher.

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH…....
You talk…...................................................-1000
You don’t talk….............................................-1000
You spend time with her…....................................-1000
You don’t spend time with her…..............................-1000
You are seen enjoying yourself….............................-1000

Topic: a few funnies

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” the man asks.
“Ribbit 3 wood. Ribbit.”
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit – Las Vegas.”
“They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6. Ribbit.”
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”
The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me…”
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

Topic: a few funnies

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He looks at the pieces, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..” he says with a deep sigh

”............We’ll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”

Topic: a few funnies

The definition of the bravest man in the world:
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: “You’re next, fatty.”

A Kiwi Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”
Wife replies: “I think you’ll find, that is a sheep.”
Man replies: “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to London.
I heard prostitutes there get paid £100 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £200 a year”.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,”Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

A Man wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee, standing by the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand.
She purrs at him: “Tie me up and you can do anything that you like”.
So he did, and headed for the golf course.

Topic: a few funnies

After numerous rounds of “We don’t know if Osama is still alive,”

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to
let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded

message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain’s MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
“Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

Topic: a few funnies

The Real Tiger Woods Apology – Funny aniboom Animation

WARNING this is not for anyone who is offended easily, or people who think Tiger is just a little misunderstood.

Topic: a few funnies

Two guys walk into a bar, first guy walks up to the counter.

“Two beers please”

The barman pours the beers

”$5.40 please”

Guys puts his hand in his pocket and pulls ou a hand full of bottle tops and puts them on the bar

“keep the change”

The barman is stunned and just as he is about to grab this guy by neck his mate interupts and explains that he is from the local nuthouse and he only gets to go out once every few months, he likes to think that he can shout everyone and its all good.

“So if you dont mind letting him do his own thing I will fix you up at the end of the night.” Said the mate.

Well the night was a doosey old mate kept ordering beers and paying for them in bottle tops, shouting here and there.

The end of the night rolled around and a pretty hefty bill was racked up

Time to fix up the tab said the barman.

“Yep No worries”

The nutters mate pulls out a hubcap and places it on the bar

“Have you got change for this”

Topic: a few funnies

Lefty, that was doing the rounds about a month ago!

Bogey golfer – always tinkering
Computer nerd – always tinkering
Melb – outer east.

Just got it in an e-mail today – hadn’t seen it before …... oh well, at least you told me & not Barnesy :)

Topic: a few funnies

A dumb Blonde from Sydney was on holidays in Melbourne walking down the main street , when she sees a sign on a shop window saying:
shirts $2
Pants 2 pair for $5.00

The dumb blonde immediately swings on to her new nokia and calls her boyfriend in Downtown Sydney.

” Honey – I think clothes are very cheap here in Melbourne, how many shirts and pants do you want me to buy you”?.says the dumb blonde

The dumb Blonde goes into the store and says to the owner.

I’ ll have 5 shirts in size M and 4 pair of pants in waist size 92.

The owner of the shop immediately bursts out laughing.

“Are you from Sydney lady”?. “Yes” says the dumb blonde “I am why”?.

Lady your the third blonde tourist from Sydeny we’ve have had in here this morning.

This store is a Laundry not a clothes store.

Topic: a few funnies

Lefty, that was doing the rounds about a month ago!

Topic: a few funnies

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat’s provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out,
“Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, “Nice going Davo!
Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”

Topic: a few funnies

Banned from Sports Pub for a few weeks….lurking :)

Barnesy05: I am NOT the Messiah!
ISG: We say you are Lord, and we should know. we’ve followed a few.

http://www.golflink.com.au/...

Warning…..Warning…...Barnsey’s back . Definately No repeats!

Topic: a few funnies

Banned from Sports Pub for a few weeks….lurking :)

Topic: a few funnies

Just waiting for Barnesy to tell me its a repeat and where it was posted before.
It sure tickled my funny bone

http://www.golflink.com.au/...

Peg has Bear_Vision

I think Barnesy might be on a sabbatical or meditating in an ashram, I haven’t heard from him for a few days.

Topic: a few funnies

LOL.

Topic: a few funnies

Just waiting for Barnesy to tell me its a repeat and where it was posted before.
It sure tickled my funny bone

http://www.golflink.com.au/...

Peg has Bear_Vision

If he hasnt got you by now , you should be safe.