Jump to content


 

Photo

jokes


  • Please log in to reply
1739 replies to this topic

#16 ftg_lefty

ftg_lefty

    Old & bent & devil spent & runnin' out of time

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 8646 posts
  • LocationMelbourne Vic.

Posted 07 November 2011 - 09:25 PM

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners... ' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'' The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

#17 parbreaker

parbreaker

    QLD 8 STR8 M8

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3275 posts
  • LocationQ U E E N S L A N D E R

Posted 07 November 2011 - 10:14 PM

Some classic stuff boys. Keep them coming!

#18 Chook Norris aka L4G

Chook Norris aka L4G

    BOKBOKBOKBOGURK!!!

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 7006 posts

Posted 08 November 2011 - 02:01 AM

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight...' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes.......................!'

#19 parbreaker

parbreaker

    QLD 8 STR8 M8

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3275 posts
  • LocationQ U E E N S L A N D E R

Posted 08 November 2011 - 02:38 AM

Bravo bravo!

#20 Spartan52

Spartan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1849 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 08 November 2011 - 06:44 AM

What do you call a Pirate with no eyes? A Prate.

#21 Trickshot239

Trickshot239

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3555 posts
  • LocationA bit South of North of here

Posted 08 November 2011 - 06:59 AM

Q: How many pre-menstrual women does it take to change a light bulb ? A: 4 Why 4 ? IT JUST DOES, ALLRIGHT !!!

#22 Spartan52

Spartan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1849 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 08 November 2011 - 07:17 AM

Little Donna was in the back yard filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you doing there, Donna?" "My goldfish died," replied little Donna tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Donna patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat..."

#23 TheWeekendGolfer

TheWeekendGolfer

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 215 posts

Posted 08 November 2011 - 07:21 AM

Windies bowler Joel Garner was at a party once and a gorgeous young lady walked up and said "Mr Garner, how tall are you?” “I’m 6 foot 8," he answered. Her eyes then wandered down his body and she then asked "Is everything else in proportion?” “Oh no, lady, I can't say it is”, he replied, "if it was, I’d be 8 foot 6.”

#24 Spartan52

Spartan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1849 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 08 November 2011 - 07:25 AM

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap. IE. back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph. Hazards attract; fairways repel. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse). It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat Meat Pies and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery

#25 Spartan52

Spartan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1849 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 09 November 2011 - 07:47 AM

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.' Second Guy: 'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.' Third Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.' They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?' Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

#26 ftg_lefty

ftg_lefty

    Old & bent & devil spent & runnin' out of time

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 8646 posts
  • LocationMelbourne Vic.

Posted 10 November 2011 - 09:17 AM

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Australian, a Priest, a Rabbi, a Bishop, a Nun,a Doctor,a Lawyer,a Blonde,a Horse and a Grasshopper walk into a bar And the bartender says Is this some kind of a joke?

#27 Spartan52

Spartan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1849 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 10 November 2011 - 10:10 AM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, Jesus knows you're here.He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard Jesus is watching you. Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot. Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' Moses, replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed. What kind of people would name a bird Moses?The parrot then replied The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

#28 Spartan52

Spartan52

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1849 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 11 November 2011 - 09:59 AM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing

#29 Timinsa

Timinsa

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3293 posts

Posted 11 November 2011 - 10:03 AM

John Daly.

#30 Stinkler

Stinkler

    Wholly Awesomeness

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 25175 posts
  • LocationMelbourne

Posted 11 November 2011 - 10:06 AM

Guy walks into a library and asks the girl behind the counter about a recently released book on small penises he is after. She replies; "is it in yet" and he says "yes, that's the one!"




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users