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#1861 The Robinator

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Posted 02 July 2018 - 07:22 PM

Why did the leper leave the party? Everyone kept dipping Jatz in his back.



#1862 Sprtan52

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Posted 10 July 2018 - 05:25 PM

A group of 3rd & 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on an excursion to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses & the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided the girls would go with one teacher & the boys would go with the other.  The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out & told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside to see what was going on & apparently this old racetrack was old & didn't have any updated facilities.  

 

The only thing she could figure out was to help the boys with their pants & she began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'pee-pees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

 

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'


Edited by Sprtan52, 10 July 2018 - 05:25 PM.


#1863 Sprtan52

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Posted 13 July 2018 - 11:06 AM

My Boss told me to have a good day, so I went home...


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#1864 pegasus2357

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Posted 13 July 2018 - 01:56 PM

Attached File  scots 1.jpg   105.09KB   9 downloads


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VTTP 006

 

Miracle

 

 


#1865 OldBogey

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Posted 13 July 2018 - 07:38 PM

attachicon.gifscots 1.jpg


When I read the opener, I just assumed he was referring to the Scots taking their country back from England.

But I did like the adjectives.

#1866 iRON MiCK

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Posted 14 July 2018 - 08:14 AM

scots 1.jpg


I particularly liked the final descriptive insult

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#1867 Sprtan52

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Posted 20 July 2018 - 09:39 AM

I wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet....

 

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.


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#1868 ftg_lefty

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 02:31 PM

DRINKING IN GALWAY
 
"As good as this bar is,"  said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.  When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
  "Well, Angus," said the  Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
  "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.  Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
  The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
  "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

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Some days It's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

#1869 Dyana

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Posted 25 July 2018 - 05:43 PM

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


 


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#1870 Dyana

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 12:16 PM

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was
really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"


 


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#1871 Dyana

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 09:05 AM

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! 

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.


 


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#1872 ozdevil

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Posted 02 August 2018 - 05:39 AM

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”


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I AM ALWAYS FORCED TO DO SH1T I'M NOT QUALIFIED FOR. LIKE BEING NICE TO BLOODY ID1OTS :P :D

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#1873 Sprtan52

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Posted 10 August 2018 - 02:48 PM

What do you call a bear out in a light rain?

 

A Drizzly.


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#1874 Mr Potato Head

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Posted 10 August 2018 - 03:45 PM

Missus went to the beauticians to get her eyebrows done

 

'They seem a bit high', I said.

 

She looked surprised


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Country golfer on a City course.

 

I'm good, but no-one seems to care.

 

Now I find out a French au-pair is NOT a breed of goat!

 

Knock Knock !   Who's There?

 

Peter !  Peter Who? 

 

Scott Morrison!
 
 


#1875 ftg_lefty

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Posted 11 August 2018 - 01:49 AM

In the land of the free, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

 

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

 

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated.   

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 

'Guess I was really into it, y’know ?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

 

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car, and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.    

 

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor.    'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'

 

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.   'I said, excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin ?’
 

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said,   'A pumpkin ?   ****  -   Is it midnight already ?'”

 

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter.

Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00, and sent on his way.

 

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."


Edited by ftg_lefty, 11 August 2018 - 01:52 AM.

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