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#1726 ftg_lefty

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 11:41 PM

During a lull between the speeches at the recent Presidential swearing-in ceremony,  Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise that he just speaks the words; he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "neither does the parrot."

 


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Some days It's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

#1727 pegasus2357

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 01:44 PM

During a trial in a small country town the prosecutor called his first witness.The elderly woman took the stand and the prosecutor asked his first question: “Mrs Jones, do you know me?”

 

The woman gave a surprising response: “As a matter of fact I do Mr Williams. As a matter of fact I’ve known you since you were a boy and I must say you’ve been a big disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs. You think that you are a real big shot when you really don’t have the sense to realise that you are just a small town pencil pusher. Yes, I know you all too well!”

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the courtroom and asked,”Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?”

 

Then came another shocking reply: “Oh yes, I know him too. I’ve known Mr Bradley his whole life. He’s lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He isn’t capable of having a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. He cheated on his wife with three different women , one of them being your wife. Yes, I know him all right!”

 

The defence attorney was mortified and sank down in his chair trying to hide.

 

The judge quickly stopped the questioning and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice he said: “If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!”


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VTTP 006

 

Miracle

 

 


#1728 RobNewy

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Posted 09 March 2017 - 06:26 AM

Two old guys decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"--- "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..'

His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch??. . Why would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window...
Took my teeth with her!"
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#1729 OnaBogeyTrain

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Posted 10 March 2017 - 01:04 PM

Ha ha ha, good one...

#1730 RobNewy

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Posted 24 March 2017 - 01:52 PM


HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE; PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short).

Dot Com was a homely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no-one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum-maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO!" exclaimed Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff!
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#1731 Tolmij

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Posted 24 March 2017 - 03:04 PM

No way would you make it up, swear on my golf club.
Intended to break 90 this year, not going well.

Concentrating just getting round the course

#1732 upnin

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Posted 27 March 2017 - 10:19 PM

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks “How people here believe in ghosts?”

 

About 90 students raise their hands.

 

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

 

About 15 students raise their hand.

 

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

 

Three students raise their hands.

 

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

 

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

 

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

 

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

 

Hamad replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


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#1733 Weetbix

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 06:44 AM

:o

Handicap

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#1734 pegasus2357

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 11:56 AM

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,’ said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Donald Trump's clock?” asked the man.

“Trump’s clock is in Satan’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
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VTTP 006

 

Miracle

 

 


#1735 Bumpy.M

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 01:28 PM

Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite to in is 


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"But sometimes there are more important things in life than being pedantic about the rules of golf, or spelling and grammar on golf forums"

#1736 Weetbix

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Posted 13 April 2017 - 04:24 PM

God creates the dog

God: You shall be man's best friend

Dog: That's a bit sexist isn't it? Shouldn't it be persons best friend?

God: What? I didn't mean it like that! I meant ... Fine - wanna be smart? Now you can't talk

Dog: ....

God: And chocolate kills you!
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Handicap

Best result: 2 over 74 at Hills International on 13 Feb 2016

Eagles: 21/10/16 17th Keysborough, 24/10/16 18th Woodlands

Goal: A round at par or better!

Brisbane Fairways 2015 Club Champion

Brisbane Fairways 2015 Clubman of the Year

Winner: 2015 Nationals day 5 round at Links Hope Island

Winner: 2016 Nationals day 5 round at Woodlands

South East Queensland Golf Group - Treasurer

http://www.brisbanef...ssocialgolf.com - Treasurer


#1737 RobNewy

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Posted 14 April 2017 - 12:19 PM





A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry: 'Pants.'


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
" Put the little basterd in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

#1738 RobNewy

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Posted 14 April 2017 - 12:23 PM

A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof.
She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Alberta Bear Remover."
So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof.
Then I'm going to go up and I'll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

#1739 hack2489

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Posted 14 April 2017 - 09:15 PM

What do you call a troll with his head up a pixie's skirt?

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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A Goblin.


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#1740 Francie

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Posted 16 April 2017 - 01:06 AM

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled, "You can be the man of your house."

 

 

He stormed into the kitchen and said to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I'm the man of this house and my word is law.   You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.   After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.   Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.    You will wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe.   Then you will massage my feet and hands.   Then, tomorrow guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 

 

The wife replied, "The damn funeral director would be my first guess."


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