Posted 02 January 2017 - 07:44 PM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
- *Mouldy, Weetbix, RobNewy and 1 other like this
Posted 03 January 2017 - 07:01 PM
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment – I should spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none," said the Jewish man, "just these ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!", shouted the Taliban.
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace!"
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, shouting "They won't let me in there without a tie!!"
- *Mouldy and Francie like this
Posted 06 January 2017 - 09:45 AM
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
- ftg_lefty, Madam, Weetbix and 3 others like this
Posted 06 January 2017 - 09:48 AM
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
- *Mouldy and OnaBogeyTrain like this
Posted 06 January 2017 - 09:28 PM
His swing looks like he’s fighting off a swarm of bees
His putting stroke looks like he is trying to kick- start a Harley
Posted 07 January 2017 - 12:29 AM
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to
keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the
This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect
people, but when each individual learns to live with the
imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good
The moral of the story is:
Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
Posted 11 January 2017 - 04:57 PM
A man walks into David Jones to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Birthday Gift.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $30 to $95 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $95 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a $95 refund and keep the money for myself!"
So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says "Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is this Monday.
- *Mouldy and Weetbix like this
Posted 13 January 2017 - 05:07 AM
Playing with the pro
"You surely don't want me to hole that?" the pompous amateur blustered. His ball was about thirty centimetres from but his opponent, the club professional, answered quietly. "No".
The amateur picked up and walked on next tee. He was about to take honour when he was interrupted by his opponent.
"My honour, I think," said the professional. I won last hole, as you didn't putt out.
"But you said you didn't want me to hole out," spluttered the amateur.
"That's right. I didn't, and you didn't
- ftg_lefty likes this
Posted 19 January 2017 - 11:11 PM
When Bob first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimeters. Bob became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Bob's condition (Donkey Doodle,) could be fixed through corrective surgery. 'How long will Bob be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously. 'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor. 'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Edited by ftg_lefty, 19 January 2017 - 11:11 PM.
- Weetbix likes this
Posted 20 January 2017 - 08:29 PM
Couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
When the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods,
To find out what the par is for this damn hole."
- RobNewy likes this
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