Jump to content


 

Photo

jokes


  • Please log in to reply
1773 replies to this topic

#1 golfshooter

golfshooter

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 539 posts

Posted 11 October 2011 - 06:32 PM

I may have already posted these A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day & repeat for 2 weeks & you'll lose at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returns, she has lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every 3rd day from all the skipping though!" Two old ladies outside a nursing home smoking when it starts to rain. One lady pulls out a condom, cuts the end & put it over her Cig, continued smoking. Her friend asks, "what’s that?", "A condom so my cig doesn't get wet", "Where did you get it?", "You get them at a drug store". Next day her friend goes to a store, asks the pharmacist for condoms, surprised he looks at her strangely as she is well over 80 yrs old, but asks her what brand? "Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a camel" the pharmacist fainted!
  • leenn, handeltav, KlimparTita and 1 other like this

#2 Commish

Commish

    No Rhyme Nor Reason

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 13606 posts
  • LocationSydney

Posted 16 October 2011 - 11:08 PM

I can feel for this bloke... I'm sure we all can. Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. V V V V V V V V V V V V V V Husband's Diary: A four putt; who the hell four putts?
  • Ji Bao He and Parmachine like this

#3 OldBogey

OldBogey

    Defining and analysing humour is a pastime of humourless people

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22855 posts
  • LocationRegional Victoria

Posted 17 October 2011 - 07:26 AM

How about something new, you guys?

#4 Talart

Talart

    Hit the ball, Find the ball, Hit the ball...

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3813 posts
  • LocationThe Nail shop next to Golgotha

Posted 04 November 2011 - 06:42 AM

Been a while and a little rusty but it was for a good cause, Royal Flying Doctor.

#5 BarnEsy05

BarnEsy05

    Holing It Out

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 30462 posts
  • LocationChopperville

Posted 04 November 2011 - 08:15 AM

Stand still man!!!! :) Good work Talart, how long were you on?

#6 Yarn

Yarn

    The Iguana

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 8661 posts
  • LocationBrisbane Far North NSW

Posted 04 November 2011 - 08:25 AM

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so obviously it isn't Paddy's fault, and they go get her checked out at the doctor. After a few tests, the doctor suggests that it could just be down to Paddy's wife overheating during sex. Being a tightarse, Paddy refuses to put in a ceiling fan, so has the bright idea to invite his mate over, and whilst having sex with his wife, his mate is to waft a wet towel over the top of her to cool her down. On the first occasion, after 20 minutes, Paddys wife is no where near reaching climax, as Paddy's mate maddly wafts the wet towel over her. His freind then suggests to Paddy that he has sex with Paddy's wife, while Paddy wafts the towel. Paddy oddly enough agrees to this. After about 30 seconds of his mate having sex with her, she is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm she has ever had, and they roll over satisfied. Paddy puts the towel down looks at this mate, and says, "and that, my friend, is how you waft a feckin towel".
  • Ji Bao He likes this

#7 Laughalot1372662613

Laughalot1372662613

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 105 posts

Posted 04 November 2011 - 08:32 AM

Good job Talart

#8 reprise

reprise

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1328 posts

Posted 04 November 2011 - 08:33 AM

The funniest joke in the world, according to Wikipedia "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" Kudos Talart, missed the last punchline though....going to fill us in?
  • Ji Bao He likes this

#9 ftg_lefty

ftg_lefty

    Old & bent & devil spent & runnin' out of time

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 8687 posts
  • LocationMelbourne Vic.

Posted 05 November 2011 - 02:13 AM

Don't blame me - a mate sent 'em to me - I'm just sharing :) 1.) One frog croaks to the other, "TIME'S FUN WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FLIES! 2.) A quintet of dons were strolling through the college campus discussing collective nouns. A troop of kangaroos. A sloth of bears. A bale of turtles. Just then four ladies, graduates of the world's oldest profession, passed them "How would you quantify a group like that?" the dons juandered. A JAM OF TARTS, said one Don. A FLOURISH OF STRUMPETS, hooted the second. AN ESSAY OF TROLLOPS authored the third. A FROST OF HOARS said the fourth. Icily. AN ANTHOLOGY OF PROSE, the dean of the dons rhymed. "Surely you have overlooked the obvious," one of the ladies shouted back. A PRIDE OF LOINS. 3.) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 4.) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas." 5.) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." 6.) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

#10 BarnEsy05

BarnEsy05

    Holing It Out

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 30462 posts
  • LocationChopperville

Posted 05 November 2011 - 02:49 AM

I'm blaming you :P

#11 OldBogey

OldBogey

    Defining and analysing humour is a pastime of humourless people

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22855 posts
  • LocationRegional Victoria

Posted 05 November 2011 - 06:19 AM

Lefty, your mate is still in primary school, right?

#12 Weetbix

Weetbix

    Par in my sight

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 40410 posts
  • LocationBrisbane, Queensland

Posted 05 November 2011 - 06:28 AM

Lefty, that is some classic stuff there!
  • Ji Bao He likes this

#13 Talart

Talart

    Hit the ball, Find the ball, Hit the ball...

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3813 posts
  • LocationThe Nail shop next to Golgotha

Posted 05 November 2011 - 06:59 AM

Stand still man!!!! :)

Good work Talart, how long were you on?

Barnesy05: I am NOT the Messiah!
ISG: We say you are Barnesy and we should know, we’ve followed a few.

BarnEsy Barnsey Barenski voted the most likely first official ISG Hall Of Famer

http://www.golflink.com.au/...

That is not moving, shoulda seen me in the days when I was in the space program... Well testing the fuel for the rockets ships anyway. That was pretty much it, was only a filler act for the night. The headline act was JJ Harding and way back in 2003 / 4 I opened a comedy show when he did his first ever set.Thanks for the compliments all, got the blood pumping don't know if I could crack a 60 minute set with out a lot of practise and that would mean less golf! Out of form these days, do standup so rarely but damn it is still fun.

#14 Talart

Talart

    Hit the ball, Find the ball, Hit the ball...

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3813 posts
  • LocationThe Nail shop next to Golgotha

Posted 05 November 2011 - 07:02 AM

The funniest joke in the world, according to Wikipedia “Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

Kudos Talart, missed the last punchline though….going to fill us in?

Golfer: You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world
Caddy: I Don’t think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence

Woops, did not know the clip missed the closer will redo the sound track. Done new clip has the lot...

#15 ftg_lefty

ftg_lefty

    Old & bent & devil spent & runnin' out of time

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 8687 posts
  • LocationMelbourne Vic.

Posted 07 November 2011 - 10:01 AM

Lefty, your mate is still in primary school, right?

You're only jealous OB :)




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users