1353 replies to this topic

[BarnEsy05]

didn’t want to hijack your thread, but I couldn’t resist…

Cliff Manley

ahhh "consistency" the holy grail of golf....

Not a problem Cliff. I've got plenty...I'm just doing one a day...build up the suspense. Steb...good work...the more the merrier.

[Cliffmanley]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Morning,' said the young man 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. ' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this mornin ...and that’s when the trouble started!

[adriand]

Three Jewish women have just finished a lunch in Double Bay and the waiter comes up to the table and says "Well ladies, was anything allright !"

[BarnEsy05]

Mickey & Minnie Mouse were in divorce court when the judge asked Mickey to step on to the stand. “Mr. Mouse." the judge said sternly, "These proceedings have been brought against you by Mrs. Mouse claiming you questioned her fidelity. Basically you accused her of being unfaithful. Can you please explain to the court how this came about?” “It is all a big misunderstanding, your honor." Mickey said. "I was watching the golf on the telly when Minnie brought me over a beer, tripped on the rug, knocked the telly off it's stand & spilt the beer everywhere." explained Mickey "Then she jumped up off the floor with a big Ta – Dah." "You’re f**kin’ goofy!” I said. ...and that’s when the trouble started!

[Shimonko]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ...and that’s when the trouble started!

[Malvern]

Steb, can we leave it to Barnesy?

[pom]

NO WAY! I loved the last one...

[Cliffmanley]

Very quietly an elderly wife confided to her very elderly husband on the eve of their 50th Anniversary, that she was having an affair. He turned to her and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is when the trouble started....

[BarnEsy05]

Steb, can we leave it to Barnesy?

Golf tips are like aspirin, one may do you good, but swallow the bottle and you will be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick

It's OK Malvernstar...feel free to add....I've got plenty, I'm just going to add one a (work) day. When thay start using my material I'll re-think the invite!!! hehe:)

[BarnEsy05]

For our anniversary the wife wanted to go back to the Hotel where we celebrated our wedding night & relive the passion. Too easy I thought. We arrived at the Hotel, unpacked & settled in with a few drinks at the bar before heading off to dinner. Once the formalities were over it was back to the room for a spa & more drinks. As she slowly peeled of her clothes, the missus said “Do you remember what you were thinking as I was undressing all those years ago?” “Sure” I said “ I was thinking that I’m gunna root you stupid & suck your **** dry!” “So what are you thing now” she said in a sexy voice. “What a f**king good job I did! ...and that’s when the trouble started!

[BarnEsy05]

The missus was brought up very proper like...ie: no sex before marriage, something that she has tried to instill in our daughter. Why am I telling you this? Well, one evening we were at home watching TV and eating peanuts. I’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in my mouth. In the middle of catching one, the wife asked a question, and as I turned to answer her, the peanut fell in my ear. I tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. I called on the wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, we became worried and decided to go to hospital. As we were ready to go out the door, our daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, the daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young bloke told me to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the my nose and told me to blowhard. When I blew, the peanut flew out. The wife and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young bloke insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the wife turned to me and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" I replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our Son-in-law!" ...and that’s when the trouble started!

[Shimonko]

... “Sure” I said “ I was thinking that I’m gunna root you stupid & suck your **** dry!” “So what are you thinking now” she said in a sexy voice. “What a f**king good job I did! ...and that’s when the trouble started!

Did you hear what happened the next morning Barnsey?

[BarnEsy05]

... “Sure” I said “ I was thinking that I’m gunna root you stupid & suck your **** dry!”

“So what are you thinking now” she said in a sexy voice.

“What a f**king good job I did!

...and that’s when the trouble started!

Did you hear what happened the next morning Barnsey?

Yep.....she said that she wanted to sit & have breakfast, naked, just like we did on our honeymoon. I agreed. So we sat there naked as the day we were born. She said to me lovingly "You know darling, my nipples are still burning for you after all of these years." "I'm not surprised" I replied. "One's in your coffee & the other's in your porridge!!" ...and that’s when the trouble started! (again)

[Shimonko]

:)

[BarnEsy05]

When the wife & I go out we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric milkshake maker, electric popcorn maker and electric bread maker. She said to me, "There are too many gadgets in this house and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. ...and that’s when the trouble started!