Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games when one says ...

"My game is so bad, this year I had to have my ball
retriever regripped!"

Two golfers standing on the 15th green overlooking a lake. One golfer says to the other "Look at those two fools fishing in the rain"

"If I died,would you remarry?" asked the wife.
"Probably would," came the reply.
"And would you let her be your golfing partner?"
"Yes, I think so."
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?"
"Oh no. She's left-handed."

A sign located near the First Tee:
"No Chocolates Allowed Past This Point"

*b4 I get labelled as a sexist as well, just wanted to point out that I saw this joke in a golf cartoon*
8)

GOLF COURSE OR...

Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:

1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."

3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play the hole when they realised that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

4th Guy: I just set the alarm for 5.30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater".

GOLF PARTNER.

A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the rounds anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over anything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't, " replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, neither would Tom O'Brien."

A wife says to her husband ...

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."

Her husband replies ...

"Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that 30-foot putt."

A few blokes were sitting in the clubhouse after their game.
Another chap frantically runs into the clubhouse and says "Help, there is a woman been hit by a golf ball down between the 1st and 2nd holes.

One of the fellows at the bar says "geez, not much room for a band aid there" !

I'll go and ask if we can play through, said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the 9th fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.

"Jerry, this is very embarrasing, but would you mind going. That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."

Jerry returned having got no further than Max. " I say," he said, "what a coincidence."

A Foggy Hole-In-One

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.

One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Pinnacle 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.

They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate.

After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks
"Which one of you used the orange one?" :roll: :roll:

GOLF BALLS,

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls in a box along with $10,000 . She waited for him to come home from the golf course and asked him why these items were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I am sorry to have kept the truth from you but everytime I was unfaithful to you over the last 30 years I placed a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said well 3 times in 30 years isn't that bad! Oh by the way what is the $10,000 in the box for? The husband replied" Well every time I got a dozen balls I sold them."

MALPRACTICE.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch, but she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

RARE CHINESE DISEASE.

A woman golfer was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said " okay, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now. get down and craw reeery reery fass to odder side of the room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang, then said, OK, now craw reeery reery fast back to me."
So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your prbrem vewy bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease, worst case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

A golfer was addressing his ball on the first hole, getting ready to swing.
As he was about to hit, avoice came over the P.A. system,
'Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the mens tee."
The golfer looked up and then resumed addressing the ball.
The voice again, "Will the Man on the Red tees please move back to the white tees.
The golfer looked back at the starter's shack and said,
"Will the man on the P.A. please shut #&@% up, and let the man on the red tee hit his second shot.

Golf vs. Tennis

After receiving tennis lessons the previous day, a resort guest decided to
take a golf lesson the following morning.

Upon meeting the instructor, he asked...

"What's the difference between golf and tennis?"

Without hesitation, the instructor replied...

"Tennis is like murder

you just want to kill yourself."

There's a lesson in this for us all

A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted five dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money will you buy beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I
can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked.

"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you five dollars.

I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a
man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and

golf.

:!:

Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?

Monica Lewinski... O.J. Simpson.. Ted Kennedy...and Bill Clinton.

Why???

Monica is a hooker... O.J. is a slicer... Kennedy can't drive over water and Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.

Why Golf Courses Have 18 Holes

The following is not meant to offend hockey, tennis, basketball, football or soccer fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't
even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed
light:

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't beat up on each other during the game.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well
they play.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.

The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.

Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Now you know.

Vice President Spiro Agnew can't cheat on his score- because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

Bob Hope...R.I.P.

A golfer stumbles into the club house, battered and bruised and with a 3 iron tightly wound round his neck. "What happened to you?" the barman asked. "I was playing the 14th, with the out of bounds down the right, and the ladies match ahead of us were looking for a lost ball. I walked up to lend a hand and while searching down the fence line I noticed one of the cows in the field was obviously in distress. I went across to it and lifted its tail to see a Pro V1, with three orange dots, firmly plugged. So I shouted to the lady golfer, "Excuse Me, but does this look like yours?""

jockotaylor

, Good to hear from you :wink:

THE BEER PRAYER
 
It's Friday evening, stop working and head on down to the pub!
 
 
The Beer Prayer
 
Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager
Barmen

Nice to hear from you Jocko how's the golf going. Keep the jokes coming.

A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature. He was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of the man's anatomy protruding from around the tree. He's certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting- I'm glad he's not mine either, said the second lady. It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That's not even a club member!

not bad

raidrboy

,